The Meat Battle

• 2013-05-12

  Mother’s Day

  

  Upon receiving this necklace I bought for my mom for Mother’s Day she said “I will wear it everyday.  I have always wanted to belong to someone.”  The apple sure don’t fall far from the tree.

• 2013-04-21

  The List

  I see a therapist sometimes.  I went pretty regularly a few years ago and now I see her on an as-needed basis.  My visits these days relate to personal crisis or times of stress.  As I have been experiencing both of these things recently, I went in on Friday.  We talked about what’s been happening (or not happening) in my dating life and I’ll spare you the details because they are things I’ve already written about.  She suggested that as I’m evaluating potential men in my life I should have a list of qualities that I’m looking for.  I cringed the moment she said this because it felt so limiting.  It also hit me that thinking about the qualities I would ideally want in a partner is a challenge for me because my past relationships have consisted of me trying really hard to make do with what the other person has to give/offer in the relationship. I kinda feel like that’s how it should be, but maybe I’m wrong. As I am a good patient, I decided to try the list thing out and here’s what I came up with:

  
  

  • Open and honest with himself and others

  • Passionate about something, anything… preferably something that he already does

  • Sensual, as in enjoys life with all five senses

  • Intelligent and hilarious, duh

  • Wants kids eventually

  • Incredibly complimentary in a genuine way as words are my kryptonite

  • Ambitious and self-motivated

  • Positive with a side of cynical, not the other way around

  • Equally comfortable with making solid pans or doing nothing at all

  • Excellent in bed.  I’d settle for just below my skill level though.  People can always improve.

• 2013-04-09

  Missing Meat

  Oysters and charcuterie are the two things I have been craving since giving up meat over four months ago.  You don’t have to read too far into that to know where I’m going with it.  There are plenty of meat substitutes out there, but nothing compares to a nice, hard salami. Ladies, you feel me?

  Happy Spring!

  

• 2013-03-15

  I started fucking with seitan

  Quick Update: three and a half months without meat.  I made a fake beef stew the other night which was wonderful because it hit the spot in this cold weather, is super hearty and took a fraction of the time that making real beef stew would have. Boom.
  Cigarettes are an ongoing struggle but I have had very few recently.  I bought a pack last week and had one.  The rest are in my freezer for a stressful rainy day.  
  Also, I started flirting with someone on Instagram (yes, it’s a thing: http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/01/how-i-turned-instagram-into-a-dating-service.html).  No dates on the horizon, only lots of school work about sexuality and how we remember shit.  With all the stress I’ve been dealing with these are two areas I need to focus more on in my own life.  Spring break is around the corner though.  I hope it’s like the new Harmony Korine movie.  I need some excitement.

  

• 2013-03-14

  

  nitsirknerual:

  a sign I saw tonight

  March 2013

  (via svenghali)

  Source: laurenkristin.com

• 2013-02-22

  Working through it.

  I thought I would share a recent chat I had with a friend of mine about my latest dating conundrum.  I just don’t think I could write anything better than what took place.  My friend asked to remain anonymous, so for the purpose of this, she’ll be known as Beyonce or “B”.
  Enjoy!
  
  me:  so…I am having a little crisis in terms of if I should or should not be pursuing men.  I have been connecting some dots lately with a few interactions with dudes and it makes me feel like I need to go back to the drawing board re-evaluate this strategy I’ve been using
  B:  oh yeah? what have you been figuring out?
  me:  so, guys don’t talk to me when I’m out right?  I’ve told you that and they didn’t really message me on OKC either
  B:  really?
  me:  (I got off of it again)
  B:  this is surprising, as you are a total catch
  me:  I know! ha
  B:  hahaha
  me:  BUT… here are the threads I’m pulling together
  the guy who I made out with said “you’ve clearly got your shit together”
  and the guys who have talked to me when I’m out open with something insulting
  B:  really?!
  me:  it has happened a few times now!
  B:  gross
  me:  and it happened on OKC recently. that’s why I got off
  B:  I am horrified
  idiots
  me:  I think I come across as confident
  first impression for men
  and they wanna like take me down a notch
  B:  ah, I see…
  me:  or they’re too scared to talk to me at all
  B:  interesting. they like to spar
  but!
  you like to spar too!
  me:  what do you think about that?
  B:  right?
  me:  yeah, but not when they say things to make me feel bad
  B:  maybe you engage with them on that tip a little yourself?
  me:  no
  B:  right totally
  me:  this is right out of the gate, “you pronounced that beer wrong”
  B:  ug
  me:  ”you’re a lighweight”
  B:  horrible!
  me:  ”your hair is crazy”, these types of things
  B:  Do you want me to say something that’s very not feminist?  But I don’t know if it’s good advice or not - just a disclaimer
  
  me:  the guy on OKC said that I’m cute, but that my profile was too perfect and he was now in a $20 bet with a friend that I was actually a man!
  tell me
  B:  (funny OKC thing - though ridic)
  Ok, well…
  me:  ridic
  B:  if you want to be less intimidating, because you have your shit together and are badass and great
  this is horrible
  I almost can’t type it
  but…
  me:  do it
  B:  ug
  you could try to smile more
  maybe that would put them at ease
  not that you have to be all cutesy
  me:  here’s the thing…
  B:  but, eh?
  me:  I think I smile a lot
  B:  you do!
  me:  I’m a happy person nowadays
  B:  haha
  me:  if I’m out with friends I’m having a good time
  my question here is this
  if I am (generally speaking) more together than most guys around and maybe even more confident…
  should I be the one making moves?
  should I be giving in to that part of me and taking a more proactive role in making things happen?
  it’s the opposite of your advice really.  it’s like, I’m not gonna make myself more approachable. I’m gonna fucking dominate you!
  ha
  B:  hahahha
  it’s true
  me:  I’ll dominate you out here and you can dominate me when we get home
  B:  hahahahahha
  that’s amazing
  me:  what do you think?
  B:  hmmmm
  Well
  I wonder what sort of man that would attract (if it would attract one type in particular) and if you would be into that?
  me:  well, I’m not an aggressor in terms of starting conversations really so it would be an adjustment for me
  I don’t know who it would attract or repulse

• 2013-02-18

  

  embroiderypoems:

  “Emotional Mollusks.”

  Their soft, unsegmented bodies (hearts) covered by a shell.

  2013. Embroidery on antique fabric.

  Source: embroiderypoems

• 2013-02-09

  Openness

  No one will ever be able to tell me “but, you’ve never had (insert meat here)” because when I ate meat, I ate things that most people wouldn’t have.  I have been the exact same way with dating.  I can say with absolute honesty that I have been embracing singledom with all my might.  I’ve been on dates, made out at parties, hooked up with randoms and explored feelings with friends.  I have done all of this with the hope of staying true to my desires, myself and in doing so I have gained a better understanding of what I want in my life.  I have made mistakes and will probably continue to do so.  I have come to terms with the notion that not all of us will have a perfect ending to our relationship story.  
  
  Things are different now.  In my recent endeavors with men, I have come to realize how shielded I was from the messiness of getting to know other people.  In relationships, I tend to focus my attention on the other person (which is only natural) and I escape overly-complicated interactions with other men.  Single, I am open to the emotions and desires of others whether or not they are open to mine.  It is part of the process of genuinely trying to get to know a whole other human being, and it’s a process I am willing to endure many times over for love.  I feel a sense of power in this vulnerability and in my exhaustion.  
  
  Btw, this is day 72 without meat and day 8 without a cigarette.

• 2013-01-28

  Kindness

  It is sad that it has become true that I no longer expect genuine kindness from strangers, especially men and especially in New York City.  That is why when I am shown a courtesy I am thrilled to my core!  It is also why I must thank the very handsome man who let me in front of him in line at C-Town tonight in order to buy Liquid Smoke.  Your thoughtful gesture has allowed me to get a jump start on my marinated tofu.

  

• 2013-01-24

  Masculine Rigidity vs. Feminine Mystique

  I am looking forward to a class I’m taking  this semester called the Psychology of Gender, especially since I am currently reading The End of Men: And The Rise of Women by Hanna Rosin. While the book addresses social mores and the shifting roles of men and women, I am curious about how we are hardwired (or not) to act in sex-specific ways.  I say “sex” specific not in reference to the act of sex but because I mean the biological sex difference in males and females.  “Gender” and “sex” are often used interchangeably, and I’d like to do my part to change that.  But, I digress.
  
  Rosin’s book posits that since the sexual revolution in the U.S., women have pretty effectively claimed public and private spaces that men once dominated like work, school, and for those sexually adventurous of us out there, the bedroom.  All of this has been happening over the last 40 years while men have remained virtually unchanged still grasping for that air of masculinity that kept them on top, albeit also restricted.  Men have been largely reluctant to move into the space women fled leaving most of us ladies to come to terms with the fact that if marriage is an option for us we’re probably going to have to pick up the slack in terms of childcare and housework because we would lose our fucking minds if we didn’t.  The workload of women has increased on average as we do more outside of the home while retaining most of the household duties and has pretty much stayed the same for men.  I see this in my friends who have kids and those who are coupled.  This is the plight of womankind, we take on too much and perhaps do not expect enough from our male counterparts.
  
  I was born in the timeframe Ms. Rosin describes throughout her book.  A time when guys were raised with an acute awareness that I am capable of being their equal (or dare I say superior).  This doesn’t mean that dating has become easier.  For instance, I was recently wooed by a man who said that he is looking for a “strong woman with her own career, someone who can handle herself on her own but who lets him be the man”.  My lip quivering and pupils dilated, I leaned towards him in a “tell me more” kinda way.  A few weeks later when it was clear that he had no interest in really courting me (no dinner dates, movies, etc.), I realized I had been pegged as a feminist and he knew exactly what to say to get me to move forward.  He had dangled the catnip of equality and mutual respect in front of me and I totally pounced for it.  He is the new breed of man who has adapted the old tricks to this progressive dating landscape.  Don’t get me wrong, it was fun… It just shows me that I’m playing a different ball game than my mom’s generation did.  Yes, I’m looking for an equal partner.  Yes, I want to be treated like a lady (whatever that means).  Yes, I exercise as much sexual agency as men.  Yes, I want someone capable of providing for me and my future family.  And yes, I’m capable of taking care of everyone too.  None of these things are mutually exclusive anymore for men or for women.  The lines are blurred out there ya’ll and we’re all trying to make the best of it.